Just a pup...

Actually, does anyone still read me/would you read if I started writing again?

Lots has happened!

Let me know!

 You know, my collar still sits in the exact same place it did when I told Him that I couldn't do this anymore. I see it everyday, every morning, and everynight just before bed. I could put it away in a box or drawer somewhere, but I can't bring myself to move or even touch it right now. He still calls every morning. I still wake up every morning to talk to Him on His way to work. And here lately on His way home too. At first it was blatently obvious that we were trying our damnest not to talk about it. And lately we are reminicsing and asking questions, and just coping. 

I miss the fuck out of it all. I miss being held accountable. I miss being a highlight of someone's day. I miss knowing exactly who and what I am. I miss being theirs. I miss it all. I am really tired of other subs IMing me asking me to be their Domme. Asking me why I'm not Domme. Begging me to collar them, or their boyfriend's or whatever. I'm not a fucking Domme. I am a sub. I don't lock the collars I wear them. I didn't fall out of Subdom just because I made a decision to not be theirs anymore. I'm still a sub, I'm still a brat, and I'm still me. Just a more improved version of all of those things. One who understands more about herself and this lifestyle than she did two years ago. I learned more about those things each and every day I was theirs. 

We've been talking about old times these past few days. Not even big deals. Little things like the way I shiver to death in the morning and jump into bed with Him if i can. Stuff that shouldn't even matter. Stuff that I paid attention to and didn't think twice about whether He was or not. He was. And that's all coming out now. 

And it's even more clear how my heart got away from me. I did the right thing. I know I did. There was no way I could stay. Things would have gotten heated if I did. But that doesn't mean I don't miss it. It would have been so much easier if feelings weren't involved. It also would have been so much less rewarding too. I wouldn't have learned half of the lessons I did if my heart wasn't in it. I wouldn't have evolved or grown at all if I was just going through the motions. It simply wouldn't have worked at all. But my heart was in it. Still is in a way. And now it's broken. It breaks a little more everytime I hear His ringtone, everytime I remember something about us or that we did, or think about fencing, or get ready for bed and see their collar hanging on my headboard. 

I am so lucky that He wasn't just my Dom, He was and is still my best friend. He knows me inside and out, and knows what makes me tick both in and out of the lifestyle. We can talk for hours still and laugh and cry and still have a hard time hanging up. It's weird in a way though. He still very much so wants to see me succeed. We both still listen to the other vent and rant and laugh and cry. We both care a great deal for the other, and are still very much great if not best friends. 

I've done a lot and given up even more in life for my friends. I don't see that changing anytime soon. So if that means that this collar will stay on my headboard until I can bring myself to give it back to them, so that He can still call me anytime and we can still be there for each other and care and laugh like we do, I'm ok with that. Or I will be.

 I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realized nothings broken
No need to worry about everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back got a new direction
I loved you once & needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo
Just like a tattoo...
...I'll always have you

Have you ever heard of that rule where if you lose count, you have to start over? Guess what happened? I lost fucking count. I was well over 150. I spread them out since Mindnight last night. And had been going for a while and just fell asleep/passed out. When I woke up I had no clue where I had left off. Yesterday I kept a tally sheet, but Sir said that that was cheating so I couldn't do that today. So I was way over half way there and now I'm supposed to start over. I'm thinking I'm going to call Sir and put my begging skills to good use because Holy Crap I don't think I can go on...

...wish me luck!

Ok, so it didn't work. His replies were "You lost count, start over," "rules are rules," and "do you want 356?" so He wasn't very compassionate. So I went back to work. Kinda freaked out that I had spent all day on getting to 150ish and now I had less than half the day left to start all over again. So I pulled out all the stops. Rope gag, clothespins on nips, plug in, silver toy and black toy in puss and p-o-r-n and got up there pretty quickly again. Right around 100-110 and next thing I know I woke up drooling, plugged vibrated and pissed the fuck off. Figuring I started off too fast last time I took the plug out cause my ass was way sore by this point and used my fingers instead of the black toy. That worked until my hand cramped up. So back in went the black toy and I woke up shortly thereafter. 

All in all I've passed out 4 or 5 times, and I'm really fucking pissed off. Not only have I not done what He's ordered, but I haven't gotten anything else done today. I feel like He's made it impossible for me to succeed. I can't keep tally marks, I can't stop passing out. I've tried all I can. And He isn't being very understanding. Not that He needs to be, but fuck. Two hundred and fifty-fucking six orgasms. I feel like I"m trying the impossible. 

What really gets my goat is that I've hit 256 already. But it doesn't count because it wasn't all at once and I keep loosing count. 

I don't like this. I don't like failing. And I don't like that after all I've gone through today, it doesn't account for anything. 

I'm sore, it hurts to even think about a pink part. My heart hurts because I've failed Him. And I don't want to think about what punishment is going to come because I couldn't keep count.

I'm going to bed.

pup

Looking at my usual porn sites a thought crossed my mind. Who is it that set the standards for what it is we do. Why do we wear collars and not earrings or rings. Why do we get blindfolded and gagged and not so much get our hearing restricted? Who is it that discovered that pain can lead down the road to pleasure, not just for certain people, but at the hand of certain people? 

I know that a lot of that is stereotypes. We wear collars because dogs wear collars and dogs are owned or we are low like a dog, or whatever. We get blindfolded because it "intensifies" the sensations, but so does lack of hearing, or touch. Why are we gagged though? We can all still make noise while gagged so that's not it. Ah, the humiliation. But why do we need to be humiliated? Who said? Where's the manual? 

Is it Story of O, or the Beauty Series or what? And who is to say that they should be the standards? And why are we always comparing each other's experiences? Why do we care? Hmmm?

Shouldn't it be that the Owners/Masters/Doms set the standards for each individual sub/slave? They say jump and we should say how high Sir? No one should care how high the girl next door can jump or how high they want to jump themselves. They should care that their Owner said to jump and they aren't jumping. 

I find myself all the time wanting to be the best. Wanting my Owners to not regret collaring a sub that is substandard to another one. Why would they want me, if Kaya can fuck a huge candle that I can't. Why would they want me, if Subbie Bunny can be beaten with her palms upturned in submission and I kick and scream and fight and bitch about it. Why would He want me if I can't make Him cum orally?

I get so caught up in that stuff and wanting to be the best by mine and everyone else's standards that His standards get pushed to the wayside. Not that they are lower than others, just more realistic, more tailored to what He wants. And I end up losing sight of that because of my standards that are unrealistic and ultimately not what He wants clouding my judgement. 

He doesn't want me to fuck a huge candle. I don't know why, but He doesn't. He doesn't want me to just sit there and take whatever He dishes out. He likes that I fight. He likes the challenge. He likes that He has to conquer something to get what He wants, I don't just wrap it up all pretty with a bow and hand it to Him. He wants to work for it. Knowing that I'll do it anyway, He doesn't mind when I fight it. And we would laugh a lot less if I didn't. And laughing is more important to some than others. For some reason it doesn't bother HIm that I can't make Him cum orally. He knows it bothers me and allows me to work on that. I think He likes the practice. But it's important to me and He's doing His job by helping me overcome this obstacle I've created. 

I don't mark well, I can't kneel for long, or at all right now. I am overweight, and live far away. I backtalk, and curse, and cry a lot. And all of that is ok with Him. I see them as flaws, He uses them to His advantage. He likes that I don't mark well cause it's an excuse to try harder. I can't kneel but He doesn't use that to exude His power. He likes that He doesn't have to make me kneel to make me crumble. Being overweight we are working on, but on that note, my ass and boobs are amazing. We can't do much about living far away from each other but we do what we can, and it could be worse. The backtalk and all that are just things for Him to overcome, back to the challenge stuff. And He's the one that taught me to cry.

On paper, my submissive pedigree is crap. I'll admit. But I have it on good authority that He wouldn't have it any other way. And the thing that I'm working on is being ok with that. I shouldn't need a why or any other justification, and neither should anyone else. My owner is shaping me into what He wants me to be, and if serving Him the way He wants makes me a bad sub in everyone else's eyes then so be it. His are the ones that matter, and He's the one you're going to have to take it up with.

We make our own rules in this lifestyle. It just puzzles me how many of them end up being the same.

*Climbs on top of Soap Box*

I do not need saved. I am a part of this lifestyle and this relationship, for that matter, of my own *free* will. I have a safeword. You don't hear it talked about because I haven't been given a reason to use it, ever. In over a year and a half I have not had the need to safeword. The one time I thought about it, it was about watching the fucking news. I am also not afraid to use my safeword. The need just hasn't been there.

I am a collard sub. Not slave. I do get to make certain choices/decisions. Not many, I'l admit, and that's ok, because I like it that way. I do, however, have the choice to leave at anytime, for really any reason, and still retain my wonderful Owners as friends and companions. 

I have never been treated as anything less than the wonderful person that I am. You cannot read a journal and fully understand what it is that I or anyone else does. You do not know Their side, hell, you don't even know all of my side. If i spent all my time here writing about it, I wouldn't have time to go off and do it. So you read what you get and take it for what it's worth. It is not the whole story. Nothing huge is left out. Lots, and LOTS of little things are. And a few things that I have chosen to keep just between my Owners and I.

I am sure that to a vanilla person, or someone who knows me in that since who stumbles across this "hidden" life of mine, red flags are going up all over the place. Well newsflash, this whole lifestyle/community does bring up red flags. Kaya shoved a Zucchini the size of texas in her pussy yesterday. RED FUCKING FLAG. But you know what, she is happy and so is her Master, she's probably a little sore, but not damaged or broken. Doms, the good ones at least, the ones like Kaya and I have, will do little to actually damage the property that they own. When they place a collar around our neck, they take on a HUGE responsibility, and do not take that lightly. My Owners have been in the lifestyle for YEARS. Sir for around 10 and Ma'am is pushing 30. That's 40 collective years in a lifestyle that YOU know nothing about and want to come and save me from.

I don't need it. Something else I don't need is everyone in my hometown being told that I need saved. I don't really care that people know. Though if my sister finds out from anyone but me, I won't be the one who needs saving because I will come after your ass. You don't know what she knows, and you are deffinitely NOT the one that she needs to hear anything like this from. I will tell her one day. For now she can be content knowing that someone calls me every morning really early, and that my nipples were pierced. 

This journal is a very, very heavy place to stumble across. It is my decision who I give the link to. Yes it's public and that's my fault, and will be changing. But even still. It is also a haven for me of sorts. A place I come to vent, and relax, and get things off my chest, and meet people with some of the same views and likes/dislikes that I have. People who understand what I do, and some who aren't afraid to bring my attention to a REAL red flag. 

*Steps off of Soap box for now*

This journal is in the process of going friends only. If you would like to be added, leave me a comment. I will not add people with no posts, and I won't add people who seem sketchy to me. I have to protect myself, my Owners and my sister in this and will not take chances. There are people from home that I do trust with this information and they have it, and will be added. All others can fuck off, and go have missionary sex and save some other poor soul who really needs it.

Thank you, have a nice day!

EDIT: And another thing! It is a MAJOR pain in the ass to set a two year old journal to friends only. Especially when you hate that you have to in the first place. I am only up to November 2006. There *has* to be a batter way!

EDIT: As long as I'm being a bitch, and speaking my mind today, here's this. My Owner's Livejournal is <lj user="chance31_roti"> If you want to add Him leave a message on His Friend's Only banner and ask politely. He usually checks with me first to see who these people are. I am so sick and tired of people going on there and asking to be added because they "read pup's journal and just love it and would like it add you too" when I have yet to even see a comment from those people on my own journal. Also, Sir doesn't post. And that's ok. This journal is for me, and not Him. I set his journal up so it would be easier for Him to get to mine. He has posted a couple of things. He sees it like this. He can spend this much time on the computer. He has to pick between writing in His journal for you guys or talking to/using His pup for Him. He takes the selfish route, and He should. He also posts pictures. Almost every picture we've taken has been posted on there. My naked ass is plastered all over His journal, uncut, stuff that not everyone needs to see. Stuff that is for Him. That is why His journal is locked. That is why we talk about who He adds. So if you want to add Him because I'm awesome, then great, but make sure I know of you first, because otherwise I'm going to say no and think you are a 90 year old perv who wants to see some hott pup ass. If you want to add Him to get awesome insight and to see the other half of my journal. Then keep on truckin' cause you won't find it there. We live the other half of this journal. It's like I said earlier. I can spend all my time here writing out every little detail or I can go out and get my ass beat and take hott showers and serve and please my Owners. He's the same way. We really aren't bitchy about adding people, and really we add just about everyone. This is just stuff that gets under my skin and I wanted to clear the air a bit.

Mingle² - Online Dating

You may have noticed that I have really cute Icons now. They are thanks to the lovely pure_blue from pureblue_icons she is a genious! Thank you!!!